


Time for a Shag

by orphan_account



Category: Political RPF - UK 20th-21st c.
Genre: British Politics, Brokeback Coalition, Cleggover, Coalition, Crack, House of Commons, Humor, M/M, PMQs, Prime Minister's Questions, Rose Garden, community: lolitics_meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-14 00:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12996192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Yesterday’s “Duffy moment” by Clegg put a stop to any doubts about the nature of the Brokeback Coalition. The notoriously loose-lipped Cleggover has confirmed what the nation has long suspected: he and David Cameron are gay lovers.





	Time for a Shag

**Author's Note:**

> by 01cheers

The Daily Mail

**Time for a Shag**  
_The sordid truth behind the Coalition_

Yesterday’s “Duffy moment” by Clegg put a stop to any doubts about the nature of the Brokeback Coalition. The notoriously loose-lipped Cleggover has confirmed what the nation has long suspected: he and David Cameron are gay lovers. In a recording made public by Sky, just as the pair are leaving the Nottingham venue a few steps ahead of their advisers, Clegg, who forgot to detach his microphone, is clearly overheard saying, “Come on Dave, time for a shag!” followed by an enthusiastic “Yes!” from the Prime Minister. Footage from the scene shows, a split second later, Clegg putting his hand on Cameron’s lower back when he mistakenly believes they are out of sight, just before Clegg’s PR chief catches up with them, shouting “Nick, you’re on air!” followed by a string of expletives from the two men.

Despite hurriedly produced denials by the Downing Street Press Office, plenty of evidence exists to prove the affair, from sources including a Downing Street cleaning lady and a number of celebrities. [...]

Box Inset 1: Cleaning Lady’s Confessions

“Last month I worked the late shift at Number10 on weekdays, vacuuming the carpets, and almost every day, the two of them would stay late and would often go to the loo together. I was not keeping an eye on them, but it was pretty obvious. And then they would come out all flushed and out of breath. I used to think it odd.”

Box Inset 2: Celebrity Comments

Victoria Beckham: “I hope they keep at it! I was just saying to David – my David – how boring reality TV has become. Now I can just watch the news.”  
Helena Bonham-Carter: “Is this really news? Everyone knows they’ve been in love since last May!”  
Stephen Fry: “I’d rather they screw each other than screw the country!”

 

The Daily Telegraph

**Cameron, Clegg Deny Sex Allegations**  
_Clegg’s lewd comment dismissed as “throwaway”_

(live blog)

**09:05 am:** The Downing Street Press Office has issued a joint statement by the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister: “At a time when our two parties and both of us are working together in the national interest to improve our economy and heal our society, we find it deplorable that the nation’s media are focusing their attention on a throwaway comment that has sparked the recent frenzy of speculation. We call upon the journalistic community to choose professionalism over sensationalism and concentrate their coverage on our government’s political and economic agenda.”

Another joint statement by Samantha Cameron and Miriam Gonzalez Durantez appeals to the media to “respect the privacy of our families and refrain from excessive scrutiny into personal matters”:  
None of the Cabinet members were available for comment.

**09:10 am:** David Cameron has expressed regret over the defection of Baron Tebbit, respected senior Conservative, patron of the cross-party “Better Off Out” anti-EU campaign and a longstanding Telegraph contributor, and **_PETER BONE_** , prominent backbencher and 1922 Executive Committee member, to the BNP: “It pains me deeply that Sir Norman’s and **_PETER BONE_** ’s decision has been linked by scandal-mongering media to yesterday’s events. I join my party and the members of the 1922 Committee in expressing my profound regret over the loss of such highly respected members.” News of the defection came after an emergency appeal of the 1922 Executive Committee failed to gather the requisite 15% of Conservative MP signatures necessary to initiate a vote of confidence and remove Cameron from party leadership following yesterday’s debacle. In the statement announcing his resignation as an MP, Mr **_BONE_** expressed his inability to support a leader who literally finds himself “in bed with an ardent Europhile”.

**09:15 am:** BBC’s Nick Robinson was seen bowing to the Downing Street official position in his appearance at yesterday’s Newsnight Special Edition where he confronted regular host Jeremy Paxman, blithely dismissing Clegg’s words as “an instance of friendly banter between colleagues taken out of context”.

 

The Guardian

**A Joke Too Far?**  
_“Shag-Gate” rocks Downing St_

(live blog)

**09:10 am:** In an unprecedented move, Downing Street has imposed a veto on any questions “not immediately related to the subject matter under discussion”, i.e. the recent events in Libya, at the upcoming Prime Minister’s and Deputy Prime Minister’s joint press conference this afternoon, thus effectively silencing inquiries into the nature of the relationship between Cameron and Clegg.

**09:15 am:** In another unprecedented move, Ofcom and the Press Complaints Commission have blocked the publication of Steve Bell’s cartoon that was to appear in our today’s printed and online issues “under penalty of legal action for defamation and pornographic content”. While Cameron has long expressed a degree of dissatisfaction with the particulars of his portrayal in Bell’s series, Downing St sources report that the recent move was precipitated by Clegg’s extreme discontent at the “misleading and utterly, totally unflattering” representation of the relationship between himself and the Prime Minister in the cartoon in question. We shall keep you updated on our colleague’s fate.

 

Evening Standard

**They’re Doing It!**

[...] Peter Erskine, Chairman of Ladbrokes plc, denied today that the company intends to file for bankruptcy in the wake of the biggest payout in its history. Following closely on the heels of a small loss sustained over Ken Clarke’s nap during the Budget speech, an unspecified amount, believed by insiders to be in the region of £95 million, is to be paid to punters who placed bets on Cameron and Clegg “agreeing to do the dirty” before the first anniversary of their Rose Garden “wedding”. Mr Erskine regretted the Board’s “blunders” both in endorsing the wording of the bet, allowing as it did for lack of evidence of the actual deed, and in supporting the recent decision to lower the odds from 2:1 for to 9:2 against as the anniversary drew nearer, and was reported as commenting unofficially that “the horny b*****s got the better of us”.

 

Hansard

**PRIME MINISTER**

**_The Prime Minister was asked-_  
Engagements**

Q1. [48236] **Zac Goldsmith (Richmond Park) (Con):** If he will list his official engagements for Wednesday 30 March.

**The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron):** Mr Speaker, my Rt hon. Friend the Deputy Prime Minister and I have previously issued a statement with regards to the discussion in the media of my Rt hon. Friend’s comment made at the conclusion of the PM Direct event in Nottingham. I would like to reiterate that in my view, speculative questions concerning this comment can only serve to detract us from conducting our affairs in a satisfactory way, _[Laughter]_ and I call upon Honourable Members to formulate their questions in a responsible, adult manner. This morning, I had meetings with ministerial colleagues and others, and in addition to my duties in the House, I shall have further such meetings later today.

**Zac Goldsmith:** In view of recent events, can the Prime Minister confirm that he will go on screw... _[Laughter]_ go on scrutinising Lib Dem policy proposals to maintain a balance of power within the Coalition?

**The Prime Minister:** I would make the following point to my hon. Friend: I strongly believe in maintaining a balance of power in our Coalition, and to this end, my Rt hon. Friend the Deputy Prime Minister and I make joint decisions with regards to taking an active position... _[Interruption]_ ...an active position on government policy.

**Dennis Skinner (Bolsover) (Lab):** In light of the continuing ConDem love affair, can the Prime Minister tell us whether he and his Deputy are taking their role seriously, or do they think it is just about a bit of fu... _[Laughter]_ a bit of fun and ga... _[Interruption]_ games, Mr Speaker? 

**The Prime Minister:** I believe that the best answer is in our actions. Over the past ten months we have consistently demonstrated our ability to come together... _[Interruption]_ and suc... [Interruption] and succeed in running the country.

**Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab):** The Prime Minister and his Deputy, with their shameless sha... _[Laughter]_ sham government, have demonstrated that their only purpose of being in power is to spend their time continuously sha... _[Laughter]_ shackling the underprivileged. Why not admit openly that their policies are designed by a group of slippery bu... _[Interruption]_ bumbling amateurs?

**The Prime Minister:** Mr Speaker, I am afraid that the amateurs are all on his bench! It is really high time we proved it to them by publicly sha... _[Laughter]_

**Mr Speaker:** Order. I apologise for interrupting the Prime Minister, but the Prime Minister will be heard! This unprecedented level of commotion is greatly disliked by the general public, who are unable to follow the answers. I really want to hear the Prime Minister!

**The Prime Minister:** It is time we proved it to them by publicly shattering the misconceptions about the Labour economic programme. My Deputy and I are always hard... _[Laughter]_ always hard pressed to find a single instance of reason in the accusations levelled at us by the party opposite. Who wouldn’t do what we are doing if they were in our place? [Interruption] Just think of the hole... _[Interruption]_ the hole in our finances that the party opposite left us in! And instead of waving his pri... [Laughter] waving his primitive critique in my face, it is time he agreed to join us in be... _[Interruption]_ join us in bettering the economy. 

**Mr Speaker:** Order! We shall resume when the House has calmed down!


End file.
